Being Small

Have you ever held onto something for a really long time?  I have.  Clothes.  Have you ever used what you held onto to beat yourself up?  I have. Clothes that are too small.

Since Robb was out of the country this week, I decided to clean house.  Not just clean the toilets, but deep clean.  Yea, I opened up my closet and took a real good look. What I saw was a reflection of my body for the last 12 years.  Do you know that 12 years ago, I was the size of my 16 year old?  If you have met her, your jaw is dropping right now.  In fact, she has been sneaking in this closet and “borrowing” clothes because I had really cool clothes when I was a size 6 (and smaller). I have been watching her wearing these clothes and beating myself up inside my head that I can’t wear them anymore.  I’ve been holding onto these clothes in hopes I would some day be able to wear them again.  But, once I started bagging them up, my mind became clear.  I was a 30-something-year old who was the size of a 16 year old.  Why?  Because I was depressed.  I wasn’t eating.  The only thing I ‘ate’ every day was drinking 2-3 Starbucks Chai teas. I was doing yoga, but I wasn’t healthy emotionally.  I had just finished going through some really tough life lessons.  As a result, I became the smallest I’ve ever been. In part to try and hide.  If I was smaller, I couldn’t be seen.  Once I reflected on why I was that small, I realized I don’t really want to wear those clothes ever again. It would mean I would have to fall back into that old way of life:  depression, not eating, not sleeping, being ‘small’. All the sudden, I didn’t care about donating everything in the closet.

A couple months ago I wrote an article about the first (of now many) pair of LuLaRoe leggings that I had bought.  I wrote about how I only wore black to hide my curves, but these new leggings were full of color. I felt great in them. I went on to talk about how that article wasn’t about the leggings as much as it was about my personal body image I had put on myself.   I was shocked at the amount of women who came up to me afterwards thanking me for writing that article and expressing their same feeling.   All of which I consider to be beautiful women, inside and out. All of which were of different shapes and sizes.

When I was at the Himalayan Institute last, it apparently became a thing to watch for me to come into class at 6:30 am.  Why?  Because everyone wanted to see what I was wearing.  LOL.  Seriously, I have never been ‘that girl’. I actually had a young man, 2 years older than my son, come up and tell me that I wore the coolest yoga pants.  Being seen was an odd sensation for me.  Not only was I not hiding in black, people were paying attention to me and I found a way to be okay with it. No need to be small anymore.

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